Love, lust and choices

I can hear the windchimes blowing in the cold breeze outside, the dishwasher is running in the kitchen and there is a soft influx of warm air from the oven that is floating into the living room where I sit.  The dogs are arranged on their beds and all else is quiet, at least for a little while.  Bf is gone to get a pizza and perhaps some cinnamon sticks, none of which is going to fit into the new eating style very well.  The living room is lit softly, muted sounds from outside drift in. Peaceful, except for me. 

Oh, on the outside I guess I look peaceful enough.  Most would envy my life and to be honest, I really do enjoy my world.  I just wish that I could grasp some inner peace and settle myself down.  That is much easier to write than it is to accomplish.  I find that I keep myself very busy so that I don't have too much time to think, or at least down time to think.  If I'm not busy then I become depressed. 

It has been said to me in the recent past that I need to let go of the past and move forward.  How in the world do I do that?  How can I just move forward when I know that the steps that led me here are all from my past?  I have made mistakes and shouldn't I try to not make those again?  To try to change my ways, I have to look to the past for answers.  Or at least I think so....but have I gotten stuck there?

Life has knocked me around some and certainly made me jaded in many ways.  Relationships is one area that has taken the hardest hit there.  I just do not believe in the fairy tale type of love anymore.  Oh, how I wish I did.  How I wish that I believed that a man would be content and even *gasp* happy with just me for the rest of his life.  I just don't believe that really happens and if it does happen, it's not very damn often. 

Love, I used to think I knew what love was, now I think I had just given lust a misnomer.  Lust, I'm familiar with.... It is different than love, I think.  It must be.  Lust fades and disappears over time, Love, on the other hand, should get stronger and stronger...

So often I just don't think that I know what I'm doing.  I would like to have a plan, plans make me feel secure.  Right now, I don't have a plan for my life, I don't really have a destination in mind.  Oh, I have some options that I'd like to explore, but which ones?  Which would be the right choice, or is there a right choice?  Perhaps they're all just choices and we make the best of the choice that we make......

Venting

I'm looking forward to 2013.  I have had some terrible times in 2012, some good also, but I'm ready to move forward.  I'm not sure how to do that.  How does one move forward and away from the bad things that has happened?  How does that work?  How does one keep from second guessing every decision that they make and walk forward with confidence?

I haven't figured that out.

I haven't figured out how to tell the difference between making an educated decision based on past experiences and making a decision that is tainted w/ past experiences...Is there a difference?

I am someone that likes to be in control of what goes on around me and when I am not, I am completely out of my comfort zone and not happy at all.  There are several circumstances that I'm not in control of currently and it's driving me crazy.  I have a new bf and he is looking for a job and looking quite hard for one.  He has had trouble finding a job and it's beginning to frustrate me.  It seems that I'm always the one that picks up the pieces and makes everything ok for everyone.  I don't see myself as a doormat, but I'm sure tired of fixing everything.  His relationship w/ his kid is next to nil.  The kid is giving all attitude and doesn't seem to be getting any sort of consequences for that.  That would not have flown when I was a kid.  His dogs also had pups that we had to bottle feed.  Now it's time to find them homes and it has been like pulling teeth out of a ducks mouth to get him to be motivated to do that.  We have found a home for one pup thus far and we have about 5 more to go.  I'm about to pull my hair out over it.

*sighs*  Yeah, this is my whining/venting/ post.  I have to get it out somewhere and when I bring up the issues to him all we do is fight.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.  I don't know if he is truely trying the best that he can or not.  How do I tell?  I've been lied to, cheated on, and taken advantage of so much in my past that I don't have any confidence in my own judgement.  blah

Veteran's Day

Had the last fall calf for this year a couple of days ago.  A good sized bull calf.  I believe the last 5 calves of this season has all been bulls.  I don't think that I've ever had a stretch of bull calves of that many before.

We celebrated Veteran's Day at our local parade.  It had been Years since I'd been to a parade.  It warmed my heart that there were as many ppl that showed up.  Smiling faces, flags waving and salutes given to our veterans.  Those are America's real heros.

Sunny had an episode of colic last night.  The vet came over and took care of her.  I don't think she had been drinking enough water because we hadn't given her in grain in about a month.  She's up by herself in a pen that has a bigger automatic waterer.  I hope that solves the problem.  Had to keep hay away from her last night, but I caught my bull trying to share some of his over the fence..lol

A good weekend all in all. 

Long time, no see

Life has become extremely busy since my last post.  *sighs*  So much has changed.  In fact, it all won't fit into one blog post.  I'll hit some of the highlights and then expand on them later.

I posted several times about Heidi.  It turns out she did have Cushings disease and we had been treating for that w/ quite a bit of success.  About a year ago she came down terribly sick and then this past spring she developed renal failure.  I'll post more details about that in the future.  She crossed over the rainbow bridge on May 24, 2012.  She was in my arms as I said goodbye to her.  Her and I fought a long hard battle and she will forever be my baby.

The boyfriend that I had is no longer with me.  While I was in a very demanding course in college I discovered that he was stealing money from me.  I kicked him out of the house and he has since moved out of state.  I have graduated my course in college and I'm employed in my field of choice.  There are plenty of hard feelings on my side of the way that he done.  He was a liar and he stole from me for no telling how long.  I am still working on getting over it and becoming more positive.

The cows are all doing well.   A new fall crop of babies on the ground and everyone seems to be healthy.  One bottle baby from a set of twins that the mother didn't accept.

I started seeing someone this summer and his dogs had puppies late in the summer.  Momma couldn't take very good care of them so we raised them all on a bottle.  All?  9 of the lil boogers.  lol  It has been quite the journey and we are now trying to find homes for them.  I have one, Bug, curled up with me as I type.  She has become momma's lil baby.  I guess the Lord knew what he was doing when I couldn't have kids...I sure do find plenty of four legged critters to make up for it.

I have certainly missed blogging.  It is an opportunity for me to get my thoughts and feelings Out there...where ever ends up being.  All I know for sure, is that they are not cooped up inside my head and my heart. 

Spring Rains

I don't see any break in the weather for at least a week. We have about 3 more cows to have their babies and then we are done for the spring calving season. There are 2 of them that are still pretty far out in calving, I might sell them when I take my weaned calves to the market.

The horses are doing well. Sunny is still away at training and we are working to get her started on some arthiritis meds. I should be able to pick them up at the beginning of this week. Peanut is out in the pasture now while Kai is up in the lot. Kai likes lil Peanut too much for them to be put together just yet. He tries to mount her and she is just too small for that. So they need to be separated for now.

I was supposed to get my new bull today but the fields are just too messy to go an get him. Perhaps he will arrive next weekend, weather permitting.

Little Heidi is almost completely blind I'm sure. She has started going along the edges of things to try and feel her way around. She has an appt for an eye dr this Tuesday. I'm anxious to hear what the Dr has to say and if there is any type of meds that we can give her. I have started her on a daily vitamin supplement and she seems to be more cheerful. I don't know if that is because she is adjusting to the blindness or if the vitamins are helping her feel better. Either way, it's nice to see her acting close to her old self.

The picture is her w/ some Doggles on. We bought these so she can still go on walks and stuff w/ us and we don't have to worry about something poking her in the eye.

New baby

Things are going pretty well here. One of my fav cows had her calf last week and it's a heifer, so that means I might be able to keep it here and not sell it. Last year she had bull calf. She happened to be dad's fav heifer so that will make it all the more special.

Update

The floors are finally in the house. They gotta come back and put down the transition pieces when they come in and then we are done.

Peanut is doing well, I haven't had much time or energy to mess w/ her in a couple of weeks. I plan on getting out there this evening after I've indulged in a nap.

Sunny is at the trainers and she had so many issues no wonder I was having a hard time with her. I think we might get it all under control though. Time.

Classes will start winding up pretty soon. I'm so ready for that, I have a serious case of spring fever.

Trying to slow down my life a bit. I hope I'm successful at that.

Heidi is doing well. Her eyesight is definately going but we are learning to work around it. I'm keeping a positive attitude to help her out. I hope that is working. We have another appt for her in about a week w/ an eye doctor so we'll see how that goes.