Love, lust and choices

I can hear the windchimes blowing in the cold breeze outside, the dishwasher is running in the kitchen and there is a soft influx of warm air from the oven that is floating into the living room where I sit.  The dogs are arranged on their beds and all else is quiet, at least for a little while.  Bf is gone to get a pizza and perhaps some cinnamon sticks, none of which is going to fit into the new eating style very well.  The living room is lit softly, muted sounds from outside drift in. Peaceful, except for me. 

Oh, on the outside I guess I look peaceful enough.  Most would envy my life and to be honest, I really do enjoy my world.  I just wish that I could grasp some inner peace and settle myself down.  That is much easier to write than it is to accomplish.  I find that I keep myself very busy so that I don't have too much time to think, or at least down time to think.  If I'm not busy then I become depressed. 

It has been said to me in the recent past that I need to let go of the past and move forward.  How in the world do I do that?  How can I just move forward when I know that the steps that led me here are all from my past?  I have made mistakes and shouldn't I try to not make those again?  To try to change my ways, I have to look to the past for answers.  Or at least I think so....but have I gotten stuck there?

Life has knocked me around some and certainly made me jaded in many ways.  Relationships is one area that has taken the hardest hit there.  I just do not believe in the fairy tale type of love anymore.  Oh, how I wish I did.  How I wish that I believed that a man would be content and even *gasp* happy with just me for the rest of his life.  I just don't believe that really happens and if it does happen, it's not very damn often. 

Love, I used to think I knew what love was, now I think I had just given lust a misnomer.  Lust, I'm familiar with.... It is different than love, I think.  It must be.  Lust fades and disappears over time, Love, on the other hand, should get stronger and stronger...

So often I just don't think that I know what I'm doing.  I would like to have a plan, plans make me feel secure.  Right now, I don't have a plan for my life, I don't really have a destination in mind.  Oh, I have some options that I'd like to explore, but which ones?  Which would be the right choice, or is there a right choice?  Perhaps they're all just choices and we make the best of the choice that we make......